A most humbling period

I have no fantastic insights to tell you about, just some thoughts to share.

The last few weeks have been a most humbling period in many ways, and it still is. It was a time of confusion and vulnerability, a time of breaking down and discovery. I have been silent here, as I did not know how to share what I was going through.  I do know, however, that these powerful learnings and stories will be shared in time to come, when I am ready and out of the tunnel.

Apart from that, there are two things which I have been pondering:
Sales and Legacy.

Sales

We are salespeople all the time, we are selling everywhere and in everything we do. In many of my experiences and achievements, I have built up the idea that I am pretty good a salesperson. People like me; I get what I want; People are impressed by me; I make things happen; etc.

Two recent, major (to me) rejections have shaken that self-image. On top of that, I watched how, there are these young people out there who are so comfortable in their own skin, sharing their truths, they are not even trying to impress at all. It came across as a very solid confidence running below the surface.

Am I really that good? Was my confidence actually arrogance in disguise?

I am coming into the realization that sales is not about being strategic; sales is not about impressing. Sales is about authenticity and vulnerability; sales is about relating and building connections.

In my interpersonal interactions in a project which I am now working on, I shed the glitter of a confident I-have-an-irresistible-offer-for-you skin, and allowed myself to be real and open. It felt natural and non-manipulative. Interestingly, the resulting response from the other person has been very encouraging and promising.

I am learning to not attach so much meaning to any gain or loss.

Legacy

In preparing for a presentation to a group of youth leaders held on this weekend, I sent out a request to my colleagues to share some of their thoughts to the question “How has the presence of a trainee, Hui Min, impacted you as an individual or the organization?”

The initial intention was to help the youths gain a broader perspective; for them to also hear from the organization’s point of view. What came back was more than that. I received responses and examples about how I have impacted my colleagues and the organization, and one colleague was shocked as she had misunderstood it as a farewell message. She expressed how my presence had made a difference, on top of a feeling of regret that we did not get to spend more time together.

I was deeply humbled to be on the receiving end of this feedback. That particular response got me thinking, how will it be when I leave this organization? Will this be a better place because I have been in it?

And as I walked home this evening, that thought naturally expanded to:

‘Will this world be a better place because I have been in it?’

‘Will I go to rest at night, satisfied?’

Don’t wake up for your job. Wake up for your work.

The alarm rings, you silence it, and then try to get out of bed, sometimes unsuccessfully. You wash up, change into your work attire, have a quick breakfast, and hurries out of the house to head to where you will spend a good part of your day. Or maybe you will even skip the breakfast.

Sounds familiar? I’m sure it is for the most of you. At least it was true for me, until a few days ago when an expansion in perspective and understanding led to a significant change in how I view my work and my life.

A big part of it came from the distinction between my definition of a job or career and that of work, much of which is inspired from David Allen and Alice Sommer Herz (by the way, I would give anything to have dinner with her!).

To me, work is anything and everything that I set out to do. It can serve a multitude of purposes. My job is my work; my projects are my work; my interests and activities are my work. We all have work to do on this planet that we live on called Earth, and we need to see how it is playing such an important role in our life – because it is through our work that we excel and thereby tap into our magnificence. It is through our work that we serve this world.

Reclaim your purpose.

I realised that I was waking up the wrong way, literally. I was waking up so I could be in office by 9am, and it was a have-to thing. I was waking up for the job. I was not waking up to my best, and that needs to be changed. I decided that I would rise a few hours earlier, daily, go for a morning walk, come back for a shower, have a good and proper breakfast and then head off to the office.

It was easier said than done! Friends who have tried to fix morning appointments with me, and colleagues who have worked with me before, would tell you that I am not what you would call a ‘morning person’. While I am still working on getting to a 100% success rate with the new daily morning routine, I have been impressed at my own progress and at how much energy-giving it is to function at that level of purposefulness.

Habits are sticky; they win leeches hands-down. In changing the old habit and creating a new one, it is critical to take care of the following:

1. Address the barrier to success

I sleep late, and the lack of sleep was making it difficult for me to climb, or even roll out of bed in the mornings. A key change is to start sleeping much earlier, simple as that! Once it is time for bed, even though there are still many things which I want to complete, I put them down and head to bed. It is only when I take care of my well-being that I can better accomplish all that I want to.

2. Set yourself up for success: make it easy and convenient to change

I strategically laid out the clothes, shoes, and water (to wake me up), so that I can jump into them and head out as soon as I am awake. Well actually, they are to silence the excuses that creep in… ‘I’m tired’, ‘it’s cold and dark outside’, etc. We humans are such amazing creatures when it comes to generating of creative excuses!

3. Have a clear and strong Why

There are two big ‘Why’s for me changing.

One, there is a kind of magic in the morning air which I absolutely love. It feels very special and sacred to be out in nature in the mornings, peaceful and quiet, watching and listening to the world wake up little by little, and catching a beautiful sunrise on good days. Missing the window of dawn often results in a feeling of pity and regret.

Two, I want to take care of this body; it is what allows me to do what I want to do and go where I want to go. My body houses my soul and essence. It is the best vehicle that I have.

It helps too, to have a source of inspiration. For me, this source comes in the form of a quote: No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.  Show up to the world, and more so, show up to yourself.

And the payoffs for my job? What used to be sluggishness and fatigue have now given way to alertness and increased focus and productivity. It was amazingly ironic how I have been waking up earlier, and yet, it has brought me a lot more energy throughout the day!

Pause. Today.

“What?! Today is Monday. It is the day when we are all supposed to pick up the pace and get back into action. The weekend dream is over, that is why they call it the Monday Blues. And you are asking me to… pause?”

Yes. Precisely because it is Monday, the day when we are most likely to tumble into another week of routine and mindlessness, that I am suggesting for all of us to pause, today.

Sometime between now until you go to bed at night, find a quiet place and time where you can trust that you will not be disturbed, and just sit with yourself for a moment.

Too often, we let Today be just like any other day.
Too often, we are so busy with stuff, that we do not realize how insignificant some of them are.
Too often, we do not know what we are doing, and why we are doing them for.
Too often, we value things over people, and get upset at people over things.
Too often, we invest in things that don’t last, and turn our backs to those that do.
Too often, we chase after things which, ironically, bring us only temporary or little satisfaction when they are in our hands.
Too often, we make (new year) resolutions that are not what we truly want.
Too often, we stay small and comfortable, unwilling to challenge the status quo.
Too often, we put on a smile for the world, yet the dissatisfaction creeps in when we are alone.
Too often, we fail to notice that the world is passing us by, and that our time is passing the world by.
Too often, we take for granted that there will be a Tomorrow.
By the way, how do you know for sure?

Too seldom, we breathe in the magic of the morning.
Too seldom, we see how the mere fact that many things around us are in existence is a miracle.
Too seldom, we question what we do, and why we are doing them.
Too seldom, we say ‘hello’ to the stranger that passes us by. Is he really a stranger?
Too seldom, we notice that the environment around us has changed, and still is changing.
Too seldom, we notice that there are a few more lines on the faces of our loved ones.
Too seldom, we work with purpose.
Too seldom, we dance, we laugh, we sing.
Too seldom, we step into our magnificence and brilliance, leaving mediocrity only for Yesterday.
Too seldom, we look our fears and emotions squarely in the face, listening to what they have to tell us.
Too seldom, we put aside time only for ourselves, and no one else.
Too seldom, we are silent, really silent enough, to hear our soul’s voice.
Too seldom, we live Today.

What is your bigger role in this world? Who are you meant to be?

Are you becoming that person?

Everything can be turned into a golden opportunity. Everything.

I have recently gotten myself a new pair of spectacles, figuratively. It is called the Sight of Opportunity.

This is the Chinese word for Crisis, an illustration which you may have seen before. Taken separately, the two characters each mean danger and opportunity respectively – perfectly illustrating the presence and co-existence of both in any crisis. This is something which I have known theoretically for a long time. However, it is only recently that I begin to see the amazing outcomes that can result from adopting this knowledge in anything and everything that happens in my life.

1. Turn a seemingly negative customer feedback into a marketing and sales opportunity.

In July 2011, armed with a desire to kick-start Pro Action Café in Finland, I went about securing a venue for the event and selling this idea to get people coming through the door. It was amusing how I always signed off as Your Hosting Team, knowing full well the current manpower strength of the ‘team’ – One. My initial charged-up confidence was soon dampened by a lack of response/interest. Then came a response on the Facebook page which I had created for the event:

My heart fell when I read this. This seemed to be a rejection that says “I’m not interested in this”.  I sat in that disheartened feeling for a few seconds before realizing that it would be a good chance for me to share more, and to possibly turn the tide. This was customer feedback staring me in the face! The lack of confidence that the customers had was due to the fact that this was something new and unknown, so all I really needed to do, was to share what I knew and what was true about Pro Action Café.

The café went on to garner more interest, and eventually closed with a very successful evening which left participants transformed and asking for more. Read what some of them have to say about it at https://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=171849586215237&ref=ts.

Now, after the success of this pilot run, the ship has already been set in motion for a bigger and bolder run, partnering with The Hub (http://the-hub.net/) at Helsinki, a global community where people and ideas converge. If you are planning to be in Helsinki on the evening of 11 November 2011, mark the date. Let me know and I will drop you an invitation.

Lesson: Any feedback is better than no feedback, and every feedback is an opportunity to sell.

2. Conflicts and differences can be opportunities for communication and connection.

I share an apartment with two other tenants. We are three people from three different continents, three different cultures, and as you can imagine, three different ways of living. To help us learn to live together, we have meetings and agreements, which are anally recorded in a shared Google document. Nevertheless, small things still get in the way now and then, and it is imperative to keep the communication going.

Throughout the last few months of living together, an issue that has constantly surfaced is that of not cleaning up the dirty dishes after use, even after this has been pointed out many times and change has been promised. Even though I had been mindful to communicate that I am not ok with having agreements broken time and again, I have been doing that in a ‘nice’ way, not wanting to invite conflict.

I decided that if the old method was not working, I would need to change the way I communicate. I have been ‘nice’ pretty much all my life, misinterpreting being assertive as being unkind or aggressive, and I did not want that. Last month, I learnt a definition of what it means to be assertive*, and it has served me greatly. On my way to work yesterday morning, I sent a message to the flatmates:

“I’m upset and disappointed that the dishes are still unwashed, even after we spoke about them last night. They have been there for days. It’s a big trust-breaker when agreements are being broken, repeatedly. Maybe the google docs and communication are simply not working.”

This was one of the most provocative messages that I have communicated, and I know that it is something that would not be pleasant for anyone to receive. True enough, the housemates felt that there was no need for this, as it was ‘just dishes’. I noticed my wall of defence come up, and heard my internal dialogue telling me that it was not just about dishes but about keeping agreements, and that the dishes was just one out of the many other symptoms. This defensiveness clouded me for a while before I decided that I would make time to speak with one of them that night, the one whose behaviour I have been upset with for a while. We agreed on a time to sit down and talk.

I prepared what I was going to say, and how I was going to give the feedback in an assertive, effective, and kind way. When it was time to meet, you could feel the sense of dread hanging imminently in the air, it was as if the other felt like Judgement Day has arrived.

The conversation turned out to be the best that I have ever had with him. It was transformational for the both of us, and it was the first time in three months that we really talked. We sat in the kitchen and talked for an hour, before I excused myself to go to bed as I have to be up early the next morning.

Had I settled for mediocrity or gotten defensive, I would have missed the chance to make a critical difference.

*Being assertive (personal definition): Being confident, able, and willing to communicate insight, knowledge, and know-how.

3. Add value and create a win-win situation out of what started as a personal benefit.

Last week, a window of opportunity opened up for me to sit in for a week of classes at the prestigious Royal Institute of Technology in Stockholm – the largest, oldest and most international technical university in Sweden. It sounded like the perfect opportunity, only that I received the news on Sunday night and I have not gotten permission to excuse myself from work for a week.

Which meant, for this to happen, I would need to pack my bag for a week’s trip, go to the office with it the following morning, obtain permission from my supervisor, get a ferry ticket, and jump on the ferry after work in the evening. If I am not granted permission, I would go back home with my packed bag that Monday evening after work, opportunity missed.

What will get my supervisor to say yes given the short (almost non-existent) notice, and how can this become a win-win situation?

By 5pm that Monday, I was on the deck of a ship in the Baltic Sea heading for Stockholm. I spent a beautiful one week there – sat in for insightful classes, lived in an old, traditional Swedish house where almost everything seemed to be falling apart, took three-hour walks in the mornings by the lake and the forest, in good company with treasured conversations, and visited the city centre which is one of the sweetest places around. How did all these come about!

The evening sun in the middle of the Baltic Sea

Student once more, out on the grass on a sunny autumn afternoon

Outcomes of this project:

• An amazing week in Stockholm
• A schedule negotiated – my colleague got to be away from work on a Saturday while I covered her duties
• A professional report completed and distributed to the people who needed that information
• A timely faculty recommendation for the company which has a high potential of being the solution to a current need
• All other possible implications that could result from this project

Yesterday, the management surprised me by presenting me with a bouquet of flowers, in appreciation of my contribution and initiative, citing the Stockholm trip and the report as an example. What an honour!

In recognition: an appreciation

Everything can be turned into a golden opportunity.
Every.single.thing.

Evening with a Stranger

What defines a stranger?

Hungry from cycling, I was looking for a nice spot by Nuottalahti where I can settle down and have my dinner. It has been really nice picnic-ing by the sea or fields, exploring new spaces. I spotted a deck which looked promising, except for the fact that it was already occupied – a man was there fishing.

After circling round the bay, the deck still looks like the best option. Interesting how the ‘first love’ often seems to be shinier and better than anything else that follows. It took me a few seconds of deliberation before I stepped onto the long boardwalk leading to the deck, careful to tread quietly so as not to somehow scare away all his fishes.

The man had three fishing rods hanging off the deck, and he was busy adjusting one of them. I asked if he would mind if I stay here for a while. I could not quite make out what his reply was – he had a cigarette dangling off the corner of his mouth and it sounded like “can”. Or was it “can’t”. Hmm… that sounds more like a Singaporean way of responding! I stood there, trying to figure out what he meant, and then decided to repeat my question. He reached into his backpack, took out a plastic bag, opened it, and extended it to me. I peeped in and was amused to realise that he was offering me a freshly caught fish. I wonder what he thought I was asking! Eventually, it was still good old body language that works best in communicating when verbal language fell apart.

And for the next hour or two, we sat in silence. Me with my dinner and him with his fishing rods. A few seagulls rivaled him in hunting for food… two swans glided past in the distance with four cygnets*… a granny came by with a little girl. As the girl happily threw bread into the waters, the granny and man chatted. It was silence again after they left.

*cygnet: the young of a swan

I thought about how enjoyable that evening was, how we communicated briefly only at the beginning and when we said goodbye, and how it felt so natural to share the small space. No words were needed, there was respect for each other, and there was trust that the other would reciprocate that respect.

I thought about how this is not always present between people who have been in some form of relationship for a while, be it as friends, family, or others. The Stranger here was momentarily my family, enjoying a gorgeous sunset with me, even if for just that evening.

Thank God for the rain!

I had just reached home and was very pleased to see that the weather is good this evening! It has been rainy and grey the last few days up till this afternoon, and I was already making plans to buy a pair of rubber boots. Seeing how the weather here changes like the woman’s shoes, I didn’t want to miss this window of sun and clear skies, so I hastily packed my dinner, put on a warm and rainproof jacket, and headed out to the sea 1.5km away, determined to have a nice dinner outdoors. I took my colleague very seriously when he jokingly said today that the Finnish weather changes every 5 minutes!

At Matinkyla beach, I settled down on a rock facing the Baltic Sea, and allowed myself to soak in the evening beauty in front of my eyes. I found myself suddenly immensely grateful for everything – the magazine papers keeping my butt dry from the damp rocks, the healing sound of the waves stroking the shore, and the rain which has taught me to appreciate the sun and colours. My dinner was simple, salad and bread, but it was one of the most delicious I have ever had. Honestly! It’s amazing how powerful Gratitude and Appreciation can be. Without experiencing one end of the spectrum, how can we truly appreciate the other?

I have been longing to reconnect with nature and the elements, and now, it feels as if they had all conspired to bring me out of the four walls, and to show me that we can always create moments like this, anytime we want.

It seems like I am not the only one who is out to play. The birds are chirping above me, an old couple strolls by hand-in-hand, a man walks by with his poles*, a lady cycles past and stops to admire the sea, and a boat sails into my vision in the horizon.

Sunset over Matinkyla Beach

A most delicious dinner!

After having my fill of the sea, I stood up to go as it was getting really cold. The peace of the evening was interrupted by a loud splash to my left. I turned to see that someone had stripped and jumped off the deck into the sea. Well… never too cold for a swim I guess!

*Nordic walking (wikipedia): fitness walking with specially designed poles similar to ski poles.

Want Satisfaction? Be a midwife.

This post is dedicated to a plant which has brought me much joy and satisfaction, but not to worry, it is more than that 😉

Notice the burst of colours in the header of this blog? They are the celebrity flowers sitting right on my windowsill, and by now, they look quite different than a few weeks ago when that picture was taken.

For example, this queen with a magnificent crown that you see on the left, it did not exist then. It has pretty much been created out of nothing.

The plant has also undergone some deadheading*. The biggest bloom that you see in the header is no longer around.

*deadheading (gardening term) = removing faded or dead flowers from plants.

 

I came home today from a grey day – rainy, gloomy, and a draining communication with friends. My spirits took a 180 deg turn upon seeing the new life that has appeared overnight (below left), and the bud which it will soon grow to become (below right).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

It felt absurd how a plant can make my day, but it truly did. The “feeling good” was a mixture of the following:

• Joy at receiving a surprise.
• Satisfaction at seeing the fruits of my labour, though there was not much which I needed to do.
• Honour in having played a part in the creation of a new life – I have been a midwife!

I did not create the new life; I merely supported the environment for its spontaneous creation and facilitated its delivery and development. That, is the essence of being a midwife, or mid-husband if you prefer to call it. And that is deeply gratifying!

What new life have you mid-wived before which gave you that satisfaction? An idea that blossomed into a successful project? A wayward student turned wise leader? A physical, real baby?

How can we create more of that, every single day?

What will get you smiling through the day?

The first word that came out of my mouth today was “sh*t”.

It was one of those days when you wake up to the light coming through the window and realise that you are late for an important event at work. Not a very good start. I spent much of the day swinging between berating myself internally for this, and trying to move on from the mistake to be fully present to my work and the people I interact with. The event finally ended successfully to a toast of champagne, and I took the chance to reach closure with my team mates about the morning’s incident. Everything was fine after all.

source: Kelley Bard Photography

As I made my way home, I passed an elderly lady who was sitting alone on a bench. A smile and a greeting were exchanged and I continued on my way. A few metres away, I stopped. I looked at the colourful bunch of flowers (and leaves) which I had brought from the event and a thought came to me. Pulling out an orange stalk of flower, I walked back to the lady, handed it to her and simply said “for you”.

Her face burst into a myriad of expressions! It went from surprise, to realisation, to joy, and a whole lot more unidentified ones. The most beautiful and youthful smile lit up her face, and she started speaking excitedly in Finnish, to which I could only smile and reply in English that I do not know the language. She hugged the flower close to her heart, and continued with what sounded like a selection of key words. All I could pick out was “kiitos… kiitos…” and “rakas”. She was in so much joy she looked close to tears. I walked away with a huge grin that couldn’t be contained, and suddenly, it seemed that the day has only just begun, for real.

The one thing that got me smiling even until now, is a simple act of kindness.

I do not know how the lady is feeling now, but as a giver of that act, and a recipient of that pure joy and radiance, I have definitely been deeply touched and inspired.

Somehow, it is seeding another thought in me – how possible is it, that we can inspire ourselves? That we can spontaneously create situations which fuel us and give us energy?

Finally, thank you, Iunia, Boca, and Silviu for having been an inspiration with your story The lady with the flowers and the rainbow train. You are creating ripples!

Birth!

A life born.

Dear you,

I have finally given birth!

To this writing and sharing space.
The pregnancy of this intention has been way too long. This being my first birth, coupled with obstinacy in wanting the baby to turn out perfect, they soon became skillfully disguised as complications which were sufficient to freeze me into inaction.

What will this blog be about?

I do not have an answer for you, because I do not know. I didn’t even know what to start writing on. What I do know, though, is that I am going to fill in the blanks, however improvisational or inexact it might feel. The empty, undefined spaces are the best places to create ourselves anew, to express ourselves out of. There is no ideal moment or idea, this is as good as it gets!

What to expect

• Mostly short posts. Both you and I are busy people and have short attention spans.
• An insightful journey. You will be growing with me as I gain valuable lessons on this journey.
• Mistakes and changes. In any form. They are the best teachers to learn from!
• Me. As much as this space is meant for sharing thoughts and experiences with you, it is very much an avenue for self-expression and for documenting of personal growth.

Till you next hear from me, be well, enjoy the beauty around you, and may you find fulfillment through standing by excellence in all that you do.
Live a good life.

Love,
Hui Min